Top Ten Movies Not to Watch on a Date (Unless you're kinda weird) / by Christian Tizya

This fire extinguisher wasn't used for a fire (Irreversible)
I admit, I have had a weird taste in certain movies over the years, and some are completely disgusting (borderline unwatchable) to the point if anyone normal knew you watched it say bye to your chances of getting laid..

Sure there's lots of twisted movies out there but they look like crap, but I do have a rule; it has to be technically/aesthetically well done.

I watched 2 films recently that are actually at the top of this list and beyond, but they were so outrageously over the top (yet well done) that it's like stating the obvious so I didn't include. Those two films were:

A Serbian Film

These 2 films were so brutally shocking that to include them on this list would be like preaching to the choir, Both included ultra gory brutal sexual violence, (A Serbian Film is actually illegal in some countries) but visually and directorally are so well done you can't not take your eyes away. As a warning if you ever came across them in your endeavors your chances of being institutionalized increases dramatically.

As for the rest, these are films that may appear harmless but for a date? Forget it. Unless you're kinda weird or not interested in having a girlfriend. Here are:

TOP 10 MOVIES (that I have seen) NOT TO WATCH ON A DATE!

#10. Blue Velvet
This is essentially a pretty romantic film, but Dennis Hopper's presence alone is enough to forget even about dry humping.

"Baby wants to FUCKKK!!!" doesn't exactly get a lady going.

#9. The Cement Garden
Starring a pubescent Charlotte Gainsbourg and directed by her uncle, it's like Party of Five but with sex. Plot is about siblings who's parents die so they bury them in the backyard and eventually start having sex. Imagine sitting beside your girlfriend and when the big sex scene comes up, you start rubbing her thigh. Yeah I didn't think so.
So the question is if Charlotte Gainsbourg was your sister....WOULD YOU?

#8. Surrender Dorothy
Super micro budget indie film that made shockwaves on the film festival circuit for it's shocking subject matter in the mid 90s. Basically a guy obsessed with specific perversions but completely crippled when it comes to talking to women, makes a deal with his junkie roomate to exchange drugs for turning him into a woman. We're not talking just dressing in drag, we're talking hormones, makeup and a little *snip.
Yup, guaranteed to get you a restraining order.

#7. Calvaire
Belgian film about a low rent entertainer who travels from town to town singing in old folks home. When his tour van breaks down in a tiny hamlet in the Belgian countryside, what he thinks is one night getting his van fixed turns into a days of terror and being held hostage by a guy who thinks it's his wife. Yup, it's a running theme folks. His captor tries to turn him into a woman!

The scene above won't get you anywhere, but the one that'll get you put under surveillance is our hero decides to take a walk in the woods and witnesses some friendly neighbours attempting coitus with a pig. Later in the film that pig doesn't stop squealing for about 20 minutes as his captor and his buddies repeatedly rape him. (She will never talk to you again)

#6. Benny's Video

The first scene of the film is actual footage of a pig getting killed (another running theme!), so this apparently sent people screaming out the doors when it was first screened for audiences. You can pretty much expect her to as well.

#5. The War Zone

The directorial debut of the brilliant Tim Roth will not get you any points when the infamous "anal rape" scene comes up. No pigs or transgender transformations in this one though! Unfortunately that's not exactly setting the bar too high.

#4. Schramm

This is essentially a short film, but it's definitely not short in shock value, and destruction of chances of a sex life. From the director of "Nekromantik" which was essentially banned in most sensible countries, this follows the exploits of a serial killer who befriends his prostitute neighbour and swears to protect her from dangerous clients. It's an intriguing premise if you can get past the scene where he mutilates his own penis or makes love to an inflatable vagina in between killing anyone who comes to his door. All shown in loving close up detail. You won't be seeing anyone up in detail after a viewing of this.

#3. Requiem for a Dream

A bold statement of cinematic storytelling by everyone's go to "visionary" director Darren Aronofsky. The US didn't see the "uncut" version until it got released on DVD, but the rest of the world saw it theatrically. Well I saw it in the theatres, and this old guy grabbed his wife by the arm and dragged her out while proclaiming "I can't believe the paper gave this shit 4 stars!" and walked out.
The main problem is when you hear the words "Ass to ass!" you're going to laugh. Your date? Not so much.

#2. Henry - Portrait of a Serial Killer

This film didn't see the light of day for years as it was pretty much banned anywhere and everywhere all over the world. When it finally did see the light of day, people went "Hey, it's actually a good movie!". A horror film, but not like any typical "slasher" film, it slowly sets up going into the back story of Henry and Otis (based on real guys) and towards the end it just explodes in ultra gore.
Onetime I went with this girl I liked to a friend of her's house, and the dude was watching this. When the scene of the "family video" came up she walked out. I never got any action from her. Thanks friend, you jerk.

#1 Ichi the Killer

Self mutilation, rooms filled with body parts, evisceration, rape, etc. This movie has everything, and it is at a cartoonish level that's impossible to take seriously, but it is still almost unwatchable at times. At the same time, it's a brilliant piece of filmmaking as Takashi Miike is blowing open doors in innovative filmmaking without resorting to digital effects.
Takashi Miike is probably the most prolific modern director as he dishes out about 3-5 films a year. Not all of them are great, but by law of averages by the time he's in his 60's he'll have more masterpieces than anyone else alive. And he is not trying to revolutionize cinema, he's just fucking crazy and brilliant at the same time. Ichi the Killer blows another "innovative commentary on violence" film like Fight Club out of the water but without even trying.
Nevertheless, any woman in her right mind will HATE this movie and never return your calls.
Here is the English trailer for "Ichi the Killer" (Warning, NSFW and extremely gory)
The Japanese trailer does it more justice, as it has music from the film (which has an amazing soundtrack)

Obvious Choices
Salo, Straw Dogs, Brown Bunny, Clockwork Orange, Urotsukidoji.
Notable mentions
Zodiac, Hostel, Romper Stomper, Bad Boy Bubby, Audition, High Tension, Hills Have Eyes, Tetsuo the Iron Man.
Movies you think wouldn't be good for a date but are:
Anything by Dario Argento
Wild at Heart (rampant sex scenes) also Lost Highway (the desert love scene gets em everytime)
True Romance (Hilarious!)